Not allowed to love
by MW3addict
Summary: After an incident that happened when he was 13, Jasper is unable to socialize with females; excluding his best friend, Alice who is in a relationship with a guy who is only after her body. Feeling that it's his only chance at a relationship; Jasper convinces himself that he is gay. But will his best friend see past the lie? AH J/P then J/A
1. Part one

_**If you haven't **_**read the story, don't be put off by the Jasper/Peter pairing. This story is about how Jasper coped with what was done to him and he did that by shutting out that one person who was secretly in love with him by convincing himself that he is gay. This **_**will**_** be a Jasper and Alice pairing.**

**For those who are familiar with the original story, there will be a few changes.**

**The ages below will be their ages throughout the majority of the story unless there is a flashback but I will let you know how old they are there**

**Jasper: 15 Alice: 16 Peter: 16 Edward: 17 James: 18 Rosalie: 21 Emmett: 22**

**Disclaimer: I do not own twilight.**

**This story will be in two parts.**

**Enjoy!**

* * *

><p><span><strong>Jasper's POV<strong>

I was 13 when I got my first crush. Well, unless you counted my best friend, Alice, but that was just a pre-school thing.

Maria.

That was her name. Alice and my sister, Rose, told me that she was nothing but bad news. They told me how there was only one thing she wanted from a guy; the same thing most guys only wanted from her but me? I wanted to be _with _her. I wanted us to become a couple but now I think back on it, it's rather ridiculous. I was only a young teenager and young relationships never last. We hadn't even got in a relationship but she must have heard about my crush on her or I made it a little obvious by the way I looked at her as one day, I found myself being pushed into a janitors closet and boom….there goes my virginity and the early age of 13.

Unfortunately, having sex with somebody 3 years younger than you is a risk of having your reputation ruined so within the next week, I found myself lying in my house besides my dead parents with three stab wounds to my body and I barely managed to keep my eyes open as I watched my crush light the match and set the house on fire.

Yep, life's a bitch and apparently, so was Maria.

I remember waking up in hospital. They told me I had been in a coma for two weeks and that I now had burns to my skin, some that won't heal. I was questioned about the incident; asked if I knew or had any suspicions as to who did it. Maria had made the biggest mistake by stabbing me. That just made it obvious that it was personal. I didn't tell anybody about Maria, though. I have my reasons.

My sister had travelled all the way to Fork's just to visit me. She was living in a place of her own with her boyfriend Emmett but now she is living here. Why, you ask?

Because at the time, I was being a pussy and broke down in front of her because I didn't want to live with her all those miles away from Alice. I _needed _her. So Rosalie had given in and now she just lived down the street from the Cullen's.

They were very nice and welcoming people; especially since I was round their house almost every day of the week. Edward was best friends with my soon to be 'brother in law', Carlisle was the doctor who saved my life after the fire incident and Esme is the one who treats me like I was her own son. Perhaps she suspected that Alice and I would soon be a couple just because we were best friends and the opposite sex. I doubt that would happen though.

The thing is, something happened two weeks ago and it gave me an idea as to how to get on with life without having to never think twice about Maria.

_**Two weeks ago**_

_I was hanging out with Peter, another great friend of mine although I don't nearly spend enough time with him like I do with Alice. Unfortunately, Alice had a dentist check-up appointment so I couldn't hang out with her so I was with Peter instead._

_I don't like spending much time at home because Rosalie and Emmett are 'busy' almost all the time and it gets a little annoying. I really don't want to hear my sister 'doing' it with her boyfriend._

"_Thanks again for helping me, Jay. It's always easier when you explain it" Peter thanked with a smile._

_He was looking at me like that again. It was a look I sometimes saw with Alice but it just looked rather weird with Peter. Why did his eyes keep flickering to my lips?_

"_You're welcome, Peter" I answered back._

_I smiled back and looked back down at the school homework that I had helped him with, feeling rather anxious under his gaze. When I looked up at him again, he was still watching me._

"_What?" I asked with a smirk._

"_Can I try something?" He whispered._

_I looked at him in confusion. "Sure" I replied quietly._

_I hadn't expected what happened next. He leaned over and suddenly pressed his lips against mine. I didn't understand what was happening. I hadn't realised that Peter played for the other team; that he was even interested in me. I wanted to pull away, tell him that this wasn't me but something stopped me._

_Ever since the Maria incident, I haven't been able to look at females the same way. I don't see them as who they are, I see them as a dark haired devil with that manipulating smirk. Alice and Rosalie were the only females that I see as normal people. Rosalie was my sister and Alice was taken._

_If I couldn't have the one female that I ever had a chance with, then I couldn't have any female at all. Perhaps this is how it was supposed to be. With that thought, I began to kiss Peter back, using my hand to pull him closer to me._

_He started to push his tongue into my mouth and I, knowing what was expected of me, accepted it. As Peter realised that I was giving in, he pushed me back onto his bed as he climbed on top so that he was straddling my waist. He leaned in again and sped up our kissing as it became more desperate. My hand moved into his hair and in contrast, his hand moved down south palming me and I felt my cock grow in response. I groaned in his mouth as he continued to kiss. I bucked against him as his hands were massaging me over my jeans. The denim fabric was bothering the both of us and he must have noticed that as he pulled away from us so that he could undo my belt buckle. He watched in pleasure as my member sprung out and a small smile appeared on his mouth._

_Peter wrapped his hand around my length and began to massage it; his lip once again returning to mine, desperately kissing me. It had been odd how easily it had been for Peter to turn me on. It could either be that I could possibly be bisexual or it might have something to do with how desperate my cock was for release._

_I tended to avoid masturbation. I only did it when I really needed to as whenever I did, I felt rather shameful because it always reminded me of the first hard on I ever got. It involved Alice and a dream like the moment that I was having right now._

_But Alice has a boyfriend and he is two years older than she is. I know that the majority of women prefer older guys. Hence why I know I stand no chance. But still I have the occasional disturbing thought where Alice is the one with her hand wrapped around my hard member. It even annoyed me when I had an image of Alice's mouth around me. God, I'm so sick. And here I am trying to convince myself that Alice is my best friend and that I don't view her any more than that._

_It was Alice being on my mind that suddenly made me cum in Peter's hand. We shared a few more kisses before Peter left to get some tissues to clean up the mess I just made. _

**Present**

It still disgusts me that even when I was being jacked off by somebody else, I was thinking about _her_; my best friend! It's just not right. And it just seems that the older I'm getting, the more that she is on my mind sexually. That's pretty much why I haven't seen Alice for a whole three days. It might sound ridiculous but it is the longest that we have been apart from each other and I could tell that she was worried about me because she was constantly ringing me but I didn't answer.

It was for her own good. I need some time away from her if I was going to get her off my mind like that. The last time I saw her, I simply 'came out' to her; revealing that I was interested in men. I know it wasn't true but it was something I would have to get used to. The strange thing was; she didn't even seem surprised. She just accepted it like I told her something she already knew.

Speaking of the devil, my phone began to ring by the bedside. I felt Peter change his position as he leaned on his side to look at me. Yes, I know what you're thinking. I'm hiding at Peter's and that is true because I feel like I can no longer hang out with Alice. I want to so, so much but it's for the best.

"Answer it, baby. She's worried about you" Peter whispered as he wrapped an arm around me.

We weren't officially a couple, I guess what was going on between us now was more of a comfort thing. Like I said, I'm lying here in Peter's bed and his parents don't even realise that he has company. Peter's parents aren't the worst people in the world but they are most certainly not the best. They weren't abusive but they were neglectful. They seemed to forget that they have a son.

I decided that there was no point in missing anymore calls from Alice. There was no point in worrying her.

"Hi Alice"

"Jazz? What the hell? Why didn't you tell me you have been at Peter's for what, 3 days now? I worried, Jasper. You always tell me where you are. And why haven't you been answering my calls?" She questioned, rushed.

"Alice I...I just needed to. Do you always have to worry about me? I mean, I already get enough of that from Rosalie" I replied, with a hint of annoyance on my voice.

"I know, Jazz but it's not something that I can help. You can't just tell me not to worry. Will I see you tomorrow?"

I sighed, knowing that she wouldn't like what she would hear. I know it hurts her and it hurts me, too.

"Jesus, Jasper! When _will _I see you again!?" She demanded for an answer.

I have never heard her so mad before.

"Alice, it's only been 3 days" I told her.

"Jasper, we have never gone more than 24 hours without seeing or at least speaking to each other" she pointed out.

"Yeah, well I guess I upped it then" I answered with a bit of attitude.

Perhaps if I annoyed her enough, she would just hang up on me and hate me enough to not worry.

"What is your problem? You're never like this"

I didn't know what to say to her. I guess I was stupid to think that I could stop her from worrying. We were just too close.

"I'm sorry. I'm just...I'm finding things really difficult at the moment" I admitted.

"Jazz, you know Rose can help you if you tell her" she suggested.

I highly disagreed with her. I told Alice about my 'sexuality' but I haven't told anybody else about it nor did I want to. It's very easy for Rosalie to hold a grudge against somebody so what if she's a homophobic? Rosalie and Alice are the only females I had left and I didn't want to lose either of them. Damn it, what was I doing? I shouldn't be avoiding Alice.

"No. No, Alice she cannot know. I swear, if you tell her anything..."

"Relax Jasper. If you don't want me to say anything then I won't but can you at least consider it?" She asked me.

I trust Alice with my life. I knew that if I didn't want her to tell anybody then she wouldn't but I still felt a little worried about the consequences.

"No! If she finds out then she would be disgusted; she would kick me out and I would end up on the streets. You want to know what would happen then? How I would get the money to keep myself alive? I would have to turn into some male prostitute which would make Rose even more disgusted with me and I might even lose you" I panicked.

Maybe I was exaggerating but then again, maybe I was just being cautious.

"Listen to me, Jasper; you will never lose me okay? Rose will do no such thing but whatever happens, know that I'm here for you. Always" She promised.

God I loved how soft her voice was.

"Okay, just give me time, yeah?"

"Alright Jazz, just speak to me soon k? I miss you"

"I miss you too, Alice" I whispered back before I hung up the phone.

I sighed and leaned my head back onto the pillow with Peter watching. I closed my eyes and tried to relax; maybe that would help me get her off my mind.

"You shouldn't be here" Peter said quietly.

I opened my eyes and looked at him; raising my eyebrows, expecting him to explain what he was talking about.

"She loves you" he replied simply before he, too, rest his head against the pillow.

I chuckled, knowing that it was bullshit. We were just _friends_. How many times would I have to explain that to people? For crying out loud, she has a boyfriend! Some dickhead called James who is a whole two years older than her and is only wanting one thing, the same thing that Maria wanted from me. A game of fuck the virgin. How do you play, you ask? You simply fuck them and leave them. As far as I know, she is still a virgin. I don't want her to feel the filth that I felt.

"I'm serious, Jasper. You don't realise it and maybe she doesn't either but it's there and it's obvious to everyone" Peter explained.

I rolled my eyes and turned to my side so that I couldn't see him.

"I have made it pretty clear to you that I'm gay" I muttered before closing my eyes.

"Jasper, letting a guy jack you off doesn't make you gay. That makes _me_ gay" he stated.

For some reason that annoyed me. I _was _gay whether I liked it or not. I turned around and glared at him before I moved closer to him and slipped my hands underneath his boxers and wrapped a hand around him. He looked at me rather confused.

"Would it be enough proof if I used my mouth?" I whispered seductively.

* * *

><p><em><strong>Jasper aged 13<strong>_

_My body jolted up from my sleep as I heard two gunshots. Gunshots? I began to panic as I could hear muffled voices coming from down stairs. That didn't sound like my parents. I quietly moved out of my bed and slowly opened my door as I near the stairs. I crouch down so that I could carefully here the voices._

"_That's only two of them. Jasper's the main one and he's the one that you're failing to find. Search for him now"._

_It was a female voice and she mentioned my name. She knows me. The voices were in whispers so I didn't recognize her voice but I'm sure that if I saw her, I would know her, too._

"_Give us time, Maria; we haven't searched upstairs yet" spoke another female._

_Maria was here? Why? I panicked. She had brought her friends this time. I didn't understand why. All it took was a push in the janitors closet to give her what she wanted. I wanted to lose my virginity to somebody special but even though I did have a crush on Maria, I hadn't wanted her to do what she did and I hate her for that._

_I hate her for coming back for more. Just a day after having sex with me she told me that I should follow her home and, me having the pathetic schoolboy crush that I still had, followed her. By the time we had been at her house, she pushed me onto her bed and claimed me a second time. That time, however was blackmailed. She told me that I was 'a fun fuck' but I protested, I told her that I didn't want to and then she brought Alice into it, saying how if I didn't do what she wanted, she would burn Alice's house to the ground._

_When it came to Alice, I would do anything for her._

_But I didn't understand why she was here now. Why was she looking for me? I backed away from the staircase __as I heard one of the girls coming up the stairs; probably Lucy or Nettie._

"_Search the bedrooms first; he might be sleeping" one of them whispered._

_Thankful for their unknown warning, I quietly moved into the bathroom and to my luck, the door was already open. I saw Lucy walk past me and made her way into my parent's bedroom as Nettie went into my own room. Once they had disappeared, I walked out of the bathroom and slowly went down the stairs. Where were my parents?_

_As I reached the bottom of the staircase__, I looked towards the main room and the sight made me shiver as well as fill me with rage. Both of my parents were lying on the floor; their blood staining the carpet. I screamed and ran towards them, completely forgetting the fact that I only saw two of the females on the second floor._

_As I crouched down by my mother, tears instantly fell from my eyes and dripped down my cheeks. I was so focused on my emotional pain that I forgot to notice the sound of foot steps behind me followed by physical pain as a sharp object cut through my shoulder. I screamed in agony and all of a sudden, Maria had me pinned to the floor._

"_Why? I did what you asked" I cried._

_She pulled a knife out of my shoulder and then stabbed my abdomen, feeling another wave of pain._

"_I couldn't take the risk, Jasper. How do I know that you wouldn't go to the police claiming __that I raped you?" She questioned._

"_You didn't rape me. I agreed, remember" I whimpered._

_I agreed to save Alice._

"_Oh please, Jasper. I'm 16 and I had sex with an under-aged boy; police class that as rape. You are way too close to that little friend of yours so it's only a matter of time before you mention it to her and when you do, she will tell the police every little detail" she explain heartlessly._

"_I wouldn't; I swear" I begged for my life._

_My body stung like hell as she pulled out the knife for a second time and then stabbed me just above my waist on the right side. I heard the other two girls walk into the room, and my eyes close but I didn't miss the evil smiles the other two wore on their faces. I felt Maria's breath on my ear._

"_I really did like you, Jasper and we really had fun together but if I can't have you, neither can that little bitch who definitely has a crush on you" she whispered. "Alright guys, lets light this place up. If we burn the bodies, the police will have no proof that this was a murder scene" she spoke louder._

_I once asked myself what would be the worst way to die and my answer came out quick; burning alive. When you burn yourself, it lasts a quick second before you quickly flinch back from the hot object. If you're body was on fire, you couldn't stop the horrible pain and you would have to wait it out until your body can't take no more. To be honest, I was glad that Maria had stabbed me three times. By the time this place is up in flames, I would have already bled to death; at least I hope so._

_I felt pressure on my lips and I was sure that Maria had just kissed me. Not long after, my thoughts faded as I disappear into darkness._

I screamed myself awake, backing myself up against the wall that the bed was up against. I was gasping for air as if life had almost been taken from me; just like my parents. I hated this. When would these dreams end?

"Hey, it's okay, Jasper. You're in my room, you're safe" Peter calmed.

I nodded at him although the worry in his face didn't disappear. He put his hand on my cheek as he wiped a tear that had obviously fallen during my dream. Peter knew as much as Alice about that night; that I saw one guy in a mask as he stabbed me and then set fire to the house. I hadn't told the police much about what happened as I claimed that I didn't know who _he _was but I assured them it was a male. If they found out that it was a female that almost killed me and successfully killed my parents, they would realise how weak I was.

Alice always told me how strong I was. She is wrong. She knows nothing.

Is it wrong that Alice thinks that I tell her everything? I didn't want her to know the truth about the fire. If she ever found out, there was a possibility that Maria might come back and hurt her. I wouldn't let that happen; I just couldn't. I would prefer it if Alice would think I'm gay because she would get suspicious if I wasn't but refused to date females. Alice always has to know everything so if she was to get the smallest bit suspicious, she would look into it and I couldn't risk that for her sake.

Why did life have to be so damn complicated?

* * *

><p>I knocked on the Cullen's door nervously. Usually, Esme or Edward would answer but they didn't seem to be in. The whole place sounded very quiet. I was just about to walk away when the door suddenly opened.<p>

"Oh my god!" A familiar voice spoke excitedly.

I smiled at her, showing my dimples that I knew she liked. She pulled me into a hug; a reaction I hadn't quite expected. I thought she would shout at me; yell at how stupid I was being for ignoring her.

"Er..I thought you would be angry at me. I guess the smile does work, huh" I said, rather stunned.

I suddenly caught sight of the one person I hate to be in the presence of. I tensed and pulled away from Alice knowing that I would probably end up getting a beating just because she embraced me. James. I fucking hated him. I glared as he did the same in return. Knowing I had his attention, he put his arm around Alice's waist and spoke near her ear, but loud enough so that I could hear.

"I didn't need to jump out of the window after all. So how is this friend of yours, Alice? Has he found a different girl to crush on yet?" James mocked.

Jump out of the window? Oh I get it, Alice's parents aren't in and when I rung the doorbell, they must have thought that I was them. Wait, did that mean that they were….no, don't think it!

"James, leave him" Alice pleaded.

James walked closer to me with a smirk. "You totally need to get laid"

After saying that, James, turned around and pulled Alice into a kiss. It was when he moved his hands to cup her ass when she realised that he was doing this to annoy me. She pushed him away, looking rather annoyed. James rolled his eyes and put his hands in his pockets.

He had no idea what he was saying when he told me to get laid. I wanted to take him out, hit him for saying that and then hit him more for taking advantage of Alice even though she was being too stupid to notice what was happening.

"So...you wanna come in?" Alice asked.

I didn't know what to say. I came here because I thought Alice wanted to see me but it seems like she has better things to do. I just shook my head at her and forced a smile.

"No, I….I should go. If I knew you were busy, I wouldn't have come here. I….I _shouldn't _have come here" I muttered before turning around and walking off.

What was I thinking in the first place?

"Jazz!" Alice called after me.

As I carried on walking, Alice ran out in front of me to stop me from walking.

"He's just leaving" she told me, glaring at James.

James got the message and smile smugly at me before he left. I watched him leave and once he was out of sight, I looked down at the grass.

"Spill it Jazz. What's bothering you?" She asked straight out.

I looked at her, studying her and her expressed emotions while wondering whether I should speak or not. I didn't want to make her mad but there was something I just needed to know and she wouldn't tell me unless I ask her.

"Are you fucking him?"

She was startled by the question but it didn't take her long to reply.

"A little personal, don't you think?" She bit back

"So you are" I stated.

After all, she wasn't denying it

"What? No I am not but that doesn't mean that I can't" She answered back, gaining a little attitude.

"Yes it does, Alice. You are 16 and he is 18! It isn't even legal. Just because he is ready, doesn't mean that you are. Why can't you see how much he is controlling you?" I asked rhetorically, getting a little mad.

"_James _is the controlling one? Ever since I have been in a relationship with him, you have done nothing but tell me what I can and cannot do with him. You're supposed to be my _friend_ Jasper but I'm really getting to hate you"

I looked at her, hoping to find that look that tells me that she didn't mean it but it wasn't there. Hate is a strong word and that was just how my best friend described how she felt about me.

I once asked myself if it ever came to a life and death situation, would she choose me or James. The more the time goes by, the less I need to think about the answer. All childhood friends fade away until eventually they are no longer in your life. She was spending more and more time with that _bastard._ That made me angry to think about it. She was telling me how I was spending too much time away from her but I felt like she was the one that was spending less time with _me._

"I'm sorry you feel that way" I whispered

I turned around and walked off without another word. I heard Alice call my name once again behind me but I just ignored her and sped up. I could feel the tears build up. God, why was I fucking crying? Why do I have to be such a fucking wimp?

"Jazz, wait! You can't leave. Not again….please" she whispered the last part.

I stopped but didn't turn around. Alice took advantage of this moment, as she carried on walking towards me. I used my wrist to wipe the tears that were forming in my eyes. I didn't want to show any weakness in front of her. Once she was within hearing distance, I began to speak.

"I'm just trying to protect you" I whispered.

I still refused to look at her as she turned me around and pulled me into another hug

"I know" she responded quietly.

* * *

><p>I stayed round Alice's house and her mother, Esme and her brother, Edward, came back a little while later bringing in groceries. I helped bringing the bags in from the car to the house which Esme appreciated. It was just a small favour for her having to put up with me every time I was hanging out over their house.<p>

Once my help was no longer needed, Alice and I walked into the lounge to find Edward sitting on a couch with a phone against his ear while watching some boring documentary.

"Are you even sure that's a good idea?...Yeah, he's here, I guess Rose is trying to mother him again...I know...You wanna talk to him?...Yeah whatever, I'll go but if Alice does, then there better not be alcohol... well fine but she doesn't get any. She's too young...no I'm not, I'm just being responsible...I gotta go now anyway because my sister is trying to eavesdrop but I know she's right behind me...yeah, I'll tell them. Bye"

Edward hung up the phone and turned around to look at us.

"A party at your place, huh?" He questioned as he smiled at me.

I looked back at him in confusion. "A party? There is no party"

What was he talking about?

"Emmett just invited me. He quoted 'it's about damn time the kid learnt how to smile without Alice around' so yeah" Edward informed.

I looked down at the ground as I felt blood rise to my cheeks. I didn't doubt for a second that those were Emmett's exact words. He was always teasing me about Alice but damn it, Edward, did he really have to say that while she was standing right next to me? When I was sure my cheeks returned to their normal colour again, my gaze returned to Edward's once more.

"Edward, you must be mistaken, Emmett would need Rosalie's permission to have a party at her house. She wouldn't let Emmett do that because she knows that I don't like crowds" I nervously spoke.

Rosalie usually appreciated the space that I needed, why would she stop now?

"Well FYI, he got her permission. Rosalie agreed that you should improve your socialising skills. Besides, many girls have been invited so you could finally get yourself a girlfriend" Edward teased.

I winced at the thought. He was right. Party meant girls. Oh god.

"How many girls?" I asked, getting more nervous by the minute.

Damn it, why do I have to make my fear so damn visible? They couldn't get suspicious. I tried to keep my face relaxed but it was really difficult to. Many girls mean many reminders of Maria.

"How am I supposed to know? Ask Emmett" Edward answered with a shrug.

No! If Emmett was the one who was giving out the invites, he would have invited a lot of girls. He's always going on about how I should man up and get a girlfriend which is just another reason why he would be bringing along a lot of single good looking women. What if he tells them that I'm looking for a relationship? What if they'll be all over me? I just couldn't handle it.

_13 year old Jasper _

_My back was being pushed up against the door inside the janitor's closet. I was shaking, nervously. Wouldn't you if your crush suddenly began to seduce you unexpectedly?_

"_A little birdie told me you have a little thing for me. That's cute" Maria whispered in my ear._

_I smiled sheepishly as I felt her hand on my growing bulge. She took my hand and pressed it against her ass. Her lips kissed my ear before she whispered into them again._

"_I like big boys…..but I don't mind them young" she whispered seductively. "Take off your pants and boxers"_

_I did what she commanded since I was still dazed by the fact that my 16 year old crush was taking an interest in a looser like me.._

"_Now lay on the floor" she ordered._

_I did so and she held a smirk as she began to take of her clothes. Once she was completely naked, she straddled my hips._

"_Umm….Maria? Don't you think we're going a little too fast?" I asked nervously._

_I know it tends to be a guy's mission to have sex with a girl at a young age so that he could brag about it to all of his friends but I wasn't that kind of person. She didn't seem to hear me as she placed my member inside her slowly. Once I was in, she began to move. God, that felt amazing. I decided not to protest and allowed my head to rest on the cold hard floor as she rode me._

I suddenly felt a sharp pain on my back and I gasped and turned around on panic.

"Jesus, Jasper. You scared the shit out of us" Edward stated.

I looked back at Alice and Edward who both wore worried expression. Alice was holding a bag of ice cubes. I closed my eyes and sighed. Damn it!

"What happened?" Alice whispered.

If I told her it was a flashback, she would ask what it was about. Oh, that was not something I was willing to discuss. That flashback was just a reminder that there were women out there that can make a guy forget who they really are just by being seduced.

"Erm….nothing…I err…spaced out" I stuttered.

Alice raised an eyebrow to tell me that she didn't believe me. Usually when she did that, I would tell her the truth but this is just another thing that I would have to keep a secret.

* * *

><p>It was dark out now and I was still at the Cullen's. I didn't want to go home just yet because I was mad at Rose. How could she allow a party to happen? She knew I hated them! I was resting in the lounge, reading a book. I don't know where Alice had vanished off to but she was probably with Edward somewhere upstairs.<p>

"Are you alright?"

My head shot up to see Alice's dad, Dr Cullen as he took a seat on the sofa opposite the one I was sitting on. He had finished work just about 30 minutes ago and as always, he wasn't at all surprised to see me. His question confused me at first but then I realised that either Alice or Edward must have told him about 'zoning out'. Alice and Edward seemed to think that just because their father was a doctor, he should know absolutely everything that's wrong with me. And to make matters worse, Dr Cullen really does get concerned about me. And he has been ever since Maria had put me in the hospital. It's almost as if he saw my lie when I told the cops that I had no idea who stabbed me.

Without saying a word, I just nodded my head at him and then I looked back down at the book that I was reading. I was hoping that he would just accept the answer and not ask anything about it but unfortunately for me, Dr Cullen wasn't that kind of guy.

"Edward told me that you blacked out a little while ago" he stated.

I shrugged, not bothering to look at him. I know it was rude but I didn't want to talk about it.

"Has it ever happened before?" He asked.

Wasn't his shift at the hospital over? Because it sure seemed like he was still in doctor mode. I shook my head at him. I was stupid if I thought that would stop him from worrying.

"Please, Jasper. Talk to me. It might even be linked to…..well, with what happened 2 years ago; perhaps PTSD or something similar. You should have a check up" he advised.

I closed my book and rapidly shook my head. "No, I'm fine. Rosalie's my guardian, not you. She deals with that stuff. Do you think I'm crazy? Because I'm not" I told him.

He had been my doctor for one time and now it's like he's my personal GP.

"I know you're not crazy but that doesn't mean that you're okay" he commented.

I thought I was never gonna get out of this but Alice miraculously saved the day as she walked on in and sat by my side.

"Hey, dad" she said, cheerfully.

She looked from me, to him and then to me again.

"Okay, _I _didn't say anything" she stated, referring to how Dr Cullen found out about what happened a few hours ago.

* * *

><p>Dr Cullen pretty much left it at that; he obviously preferred private conversations. I went home earlier than I usually do though, deciding to miss out on Esme's great cooking. As soon as I neared the door to the house, I could hear Rosalie and Emmett talking.<p>

"So how many are coming?" I could hear Rosalie ask.

"About 20"

That was Emmett. That reminded me of why I was mad in the first place. I rolled my eyes and barged into the house and ran upstairs into my room. This may be my sister's house but she had no right to do this to me. She knew I didn't like crowds, especially in one of the only places I feel safe; my home.

As soon as I was in my room, I put my music on full blast, knowing that Rosalie and Emmett weren't exactly the biggest fans of the stuff I play. I sat down on my bed, pulled my knees up to my chest and glared at the wall opposite.

I wasn't sure how long I had been glaring at it but I was brought back to earth when I suddenly realised that my music was being turned down. My eyes shot to the person who dared to enter my room; Rosalie. I watched her as she sat at the edge of my bed with a sigh.

"Jasper, if this is about the party…."

"I'm not going" I interrupted. "I'm staying around Peter's that night"

"No, this is for your own benefit, Jazz. Why don't you get Peter to come along?" Rosalie suggested.

I didn't want Peter to come along. That would just make matters worse. Rosalie was very good at observing people. It would take one look at Peter to know that there is something going on between us. She hasn't seen him in months.

"You hate Peter" I stated.

It was true, I could tell. She hated it when I told her I was going round Peter's but I was never sure why.

"No I d…Well maybe but it's not about me. It's about you" she said.

"If it was about me, then why is there so many people going? Other than Alice, I don't want any of the other girls there" I complained.

"Why? If I don't bring any girls, none of the guys will go" She told me.

That was the point. No girls means no guys and no guys means no party; exactly what I wanted.

"Exactly" I mumbled.

I noticed Rosalie roll her eyes at me. Of course she would; she doesn't understand.

"Will James be there?" I suddenly asked.

I hoped he wouldn't be. The house being crowded was already too much but James scared the shit out of me although I would never admit that out loud.

"Emmett invited him so if Alice's is going then I guess he would too" she told me honestly.

Fuck! It just reminded me of what I saw earlier on today. The way James made it obvious to me that the two of them were a couple and that I didn't stand a chance_. Like I didn't already know that. _But this is a party and people have _sex _at parties. I could already tell what was going to happen and I wouldn't let it.

"Alice isn't going. I'll make sure she won't" I stated, darkly.

"What? Jasper, you can't force her to not go" Rose argued.

"Well it's either I force her _not _to do something or James forces her to _do _something" I snapped. "Don't you get it, Rose? This is a party we're talking about. A party with teenage boys and girls and they all want one thing and you want to know what that thing is? Sex. If Alice goes to that party and James is there, he'll end up sneaking her off to one of our rooms and he'll talk her into doing it. She'll want to make him happy" I explained stressfully.

I noticed instantly the sympathetic look that she wore on her face. She probably thinks that this is all out of jealousy; that I have some huge crush on her but I _don't_…..not really. I was worried about her and although she was slightly older than me, she was still too young to do what was expected of her.

"I'll keep a good eye on them, okay? Besides, as long as you're there, she'll stay with you" she replied.

I shook my head doubtfully.

"James will find a way to separate me from Alice; he always does. It's only a matter of time before she would stop hanging out with me. It will be the only way that she can prove to him that she isn't cheating on him or anything. He thinks that Alice likes me more than a friend which is why he hates me" I explained.

"Alice would never do that to you. You two have been close friends since forever. She won't allow James to change that just because he's her idiot boyfriend. In fact, you shouldn't allow it either. Learn to stand up to him and if you can't do that, at least talk to Alice about how you feel about the position you're in" Rose advised.

I scoffed at her. Option one was out of the question; if I stood up to James, he would beat the shit out of me and I wouldn't be surprised if he left me for dead. And then there was option two….well I did talk to Alice about it earlier today but that didn't exactly work out. I just gave her the answer I knew she wanted to hear.

"Okay" I mumbled.

"So, you're gonna attend the party, right?" Rosalie asked.

It wasn't like I had a choice, I already had her hopes up. I just answered with a shrug.

"I don't want Peter to go" I said bluntly.

"Why? Have you two fallen out or something?" Rose questioned.

God, why did she have to keep questioning me! It was just so frustrating!

"No! No-one can know that….." I suddenly stopped and looked away regretfully.

I have said too much.

"No one can know what?" Rose asked suspiciously.

"Nothing" I muttered quickly. "Just forget it. I'll be there" I brushed off.

Saying that should just make her happy and then she'll get the fuck out of my room. Unfortunately, my sister was a stubborn bitch.

"No, Jasper, tell me" she demanded.

"Fuck off, Rose. It's none of your fucking business" I snapped at her.

I knew it annoyed her when I swore. She swore all the time but we were like bipolar opposites. I rarely ever cursed unless I felt like it was necessary but I was mad right now.

"Well I'm sure you would have already told Alice. You know, it annoys me that you can tell her things that you can't tell your own fucking sister" she snapped back at me.

And that did it. It was pretty clear that no matter what I said, she wouldn't leave me alone. And how dare she? Alice was my best friend and I felt more comfortable talking to her than I did with Rosalie. Perhaps if she wasn't sucking Emmett's face all day, I would have opened up to her more. I got off my bet and walked out of my bedroom, rushing down the stairs and opened the front door.

"You have got to be kidding me, Jasper. You have just got back" Rose commented, annoyed. "Where are you going?"

"Peter's" I mumbled before leaving the house.

I could hear her run out of the house after me. When would she leave me alone?

"Jasper, get back here" she shouted at me.

I turned around in anger.

"You're doing it again, Rose! Stop controlling me. I have a life of my own!" I shouted at her.

With that, I began to run.

**I already have the second part completed but I'm gonna need reviews to convince me that the second part is worth putting up.**

**Also, I haven't read through yet so let me know if you spotted any obvious mistakes, thanks. I will read through when I get the time.**

**For those who have read the story version, do you prefer this or that?**

**REVIEW!**


	2. Part two

**Okay, so here is the next chapter. I apologize about the weird capital letters in the previous chapter, I have no idea how that happened but I have corrected the mistake now.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own twilight.**

* * *

><p>I found myself once again waking up besides Peter but at least I didn't wake up with a nightmare. I noticed that he was gazing at me. Seriously? I had just woken up and he was watching me like he had been all night.<p>

"Hey" I mumbled.

"Hey. Did you sleep well?" Peter asked.

"Yeah, once I turned my phone off" I replied.

Rosalie had been constantly ringing me last night and I hadn't answered once. I didn't go to Alice's because she knows where she lives and Rose would just contact Alice's parent to bring me home. However, she didn't know where Peter lived so he was pretty much my hideout.

"How long have you been watching me sleep?" I asked curiously.

"Since I have woken up, I guess" he answered, sheepishly.

I raised an eyebrow at him and tried to hold back a laugh.

"What? You're a good looking guy" he defended.

I shook my head at him, highly disagreeing with him.

"No, that's just what people would describe me as before they see me without a shirt" I frowned.

Yep, Maria even destroyed my self-esteem as well helping me develop a fear of sharp knives and Arsonphobia, a fear of fire and it made me feel bad because my fears affected everybody else. The Cullen's have even stopped using sharp knives when I'm eating dinner around theirs. I'm just thankful that they were so understanding. Rose and Emmett were cautious about it, too. They haven't ever used the fire place that we have.

"Scars prove strength, Jasper. They don't affect the way people think about you" he tried to reassure me.

"That's bullshit. There's only one person that has seen my scars which happens to be Alice's father when he treated me that night and now he pities me. I can sense it. Pity isn't strength, it's weakness" I told him doubtfully.

Peter just shook his head at me.

"Look Jasper, I hate to bring this up but how many people out there have survived three stab wounds? Not to mention that you were lying in a house on fire plus you were still just a kid. That shows strength so don't even consider the thought of being weak" Peter told me, meaningfully.

I smiled lightly at him, appreciating what he told me. It made me feel a little happier.

"I should probably go. Rosalie has bound to have informed Alice that I ran off and she's probably panicking too….again" I excused, shyly.

It really annoyed me when people worried about me. Why did they have to be so damn protective? I get it, I was a young teenager who was victimized, stabbed and almost burned alive but I made it and I'm okay. Why couldn't they just understand that?

"Already?" Peter questioned, linking his fingers into mine.

He shuffled closer to me and put an arm around me to keep me close.

"I don't want you to go just yet" he mumbled into my neck.

I smiled, feeling wanted for once in my life and allowed him to spray a few kisses on my neck. I would have stayed willingly but then once again, remembered the consequences of staying at Peter's and seemingly avoiding Alice.

"No, I gotta go because if Alice gets bored, she'll end up inviting her boyfriend over" I informed.

Peter pulled back and looked at me skeptically.

"Why is that a bad thing?" He questioned me.

I could hear the suspicion in his voice. Oh god, not him too. I stayed away from Rosalie just to avoid that.

"It's complicated, okay? You wouldn't understand. Nobody does" I muttered.

"No, Jasper. _You're_ complicated. I don't get you at all" Peter suddenly snapped.

My head shot to him, startled by his sudden change in tone. I began to feel my body shake. Damn, what did that woman do to me?

"What do you mean?" I asked nervously.

"You're pretending. I can tell" he stated.

I tensed, shocked by how quickly he had figured it out. No, I couldn't let him!

"Pretending what?"

"Come off it, Jasper; you know what I'm talking about. You like Alice. I don't believe for a second that you're gay. You're either bisexual or you're faking the whole thing. I'm not stupid" he said with venom in his voice.

I lost eye contact with him as I struggle to say something. I began to fiddle with my fingers nervously. Oh please, could I be more obvious?

"I don't like her in the way you think and I _am _g…gay. I proved it to you" I mumbled.

"With hesitation" he added.

"I never did anything like that before" I argued back. I put my hand through my hair in distress as I backed against the wall. "I'm new to this, Peter. That's all it is"

I lowered my body to the ground. You probably think that this was all an act, that I was trying to make Peter feel bad for his words but it really did tick me off. I just wish the whole world would stay out of my business and stop trying to figure out all my darkest secrets.

"I know, I'm sorry" Peter whispered.

He crouched down by my side and watched me. I just look straight on ahead; not sure what to think anymore. This week is getting more dramatic as the days go by. I closed my eyes and tried to relax but I couldn't exactly do that when I could tell that Peter was worrying beside me.

"Jay, really, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have assumed things like that" he tried.

I sighed and released my hands from my hair so that I could lean my head on his shoulder as Peter's hand moved into my hair to comfort me. The other hand was entangling my own as if he was apologising with his body. I opened my eyes once more and looked at him.

"I need some air" I mumbled.

He was probably one of the only people that respected the fact that I need time to myself; especially when I ask for it. It's a shame that Rosalie couldn't give me the same thing.

"Okay" he agreed as he pulled away from me.

I just left his house without another word. I'll return when I stop being a fucking coward.

* * *

><p>I had to get out of there fast. Peter was a lot smarter than I had first thought. He had me figured out but I had to make him think that he got it all wrong which made me feel bad because now he thinks that he hurt my feelings.<p>

I still needed the air though. I needed space to breathe. I couldn't let anyone figure out the truth of what had happened to me. What if Maria ever came back? She could hurt Alice and it would all be my fault because I couldn't keep my damn mouth shut. This was why nobody could know. I just couldn't risk it.

I had no idea what to do with Rosalie, either. She would get suspicious soon enough. I didn't want her to know that I was 'gay' but I also wasn't able to prove that I weren't. I couldn't date a girl; not without picturing Maria. I was going to freak out with this whole party thing that Emmett and Rosalie had planned. What the hell were they thinking? In fact, what the hell was _I _thinking?

I was running back to Rose and Emmett's house; I suppose I still don't feel like I live there though. I just feel like I am intruding in their private life together. They were living happily alone until I had unfortunately survived the fire and three stab wounds and Rose and her boyfriend had just welcomed me into their house.

"Jasper, why haven't you been answering your calls? I have been worried sick" Rose started complaining as I walked through the door.

I just ignored her and walked past her, running up the stairs and into my room. It was the only place I ever got peace from the world. I turned on some music, Eminem, and put it on full blast once again just to piss Rose off some more. The more I annoy her, the more she'll hate me and if she learns to hate me, she'll have no reason to be over protective. I hate how she is like that. I wish I would go unnoticed like Peter does with his parents.

I sat on my bed with my back and head leaning against the wall. I closed my eyes and tried to think over the music. I had no idea how my life would turn out. Could I carry on living my life as a lie? Well even if I couldn't, there was nobody I could tell without putting my best friend in danger.

I opened my eyes again when the music stopped. I saw Emmett who had just walked in my room to switch the music off. He sat on the edge of my bed and looked at me. Seriously? Rose yesterday, him today. Why couldn't they leave my damn music alone?

"Why are you so pissed off, dude?" He asked.

I looked away from him. What was I supposed to say to him? _Oh hey Emmett, it's because I am so sick of people trying to protect me even though I don't deserve it. I let some slutty girl have her way with me after she threatened Alice and then she killed my parents because she realised she had made a mistake. It's my fault my parents are dead, yet my sister and best friend still believe I deserve a protector. And on top of that, I have to be gay to avoid myself from visualising Maria every time I look at a girl. Are you going to ask me to leave the house yet? _I mentally asked him. Of course he couldn't hear me so I just shrugged. There was no way in hell that I was really going to say anything.

"Come on, man. We are all worried about you. It's been two years and you're still….you're still not you" Emmett stated.

I still didn't look at him. I just wanted him to get out of my room.

"You blame yourself, don't you?" He murmured.

Hell yeah! Of course I blamed myself. I shouldn't have ever got caught up in that situation with Maria. She may have been the one who killed my parents but I was the one who triggered her anger. Emmett just didn't understand; no-one did.

"Why are you here, Emmett?" I asked, annoyed.

"Because something is wrong and you won't talk to anybody about it. Dude, seriously, you have to know that I'm here to talk if you want to. Life doesn't get better until you open up to someone" he said.

That was bullshit. As soon as I open up to someone, Alice would most definitely get killed by _her_ and it would be all my fault. If she ever did get hurt because of me, I would probably end up killing myself. I have already thought about ways of doing it if Maria ever came back. I could jump in front of a car or even a train, I could slit my neck or wrists, I could jump off a high building, I could overdose on drugs, I could drown, shoot or hang myself. At the moment, I am more in favor to hang or jump; I don't want to be too messy. But now isn't the right time to be thinking about this because Alice is still alive and as long as I don't open my mouth to anybody, she'll be safe.

"I don't need a counselor, Emmett so stop acting like one" I replied.

"Actually, now you mention it, a counselor might actually be good for you" Emmett suggested.

Great, now I was giving him ideas. Way to go, Jasper! If your big mouth won't get Alice killed, it will at least give you some more trouble in life.

"Fuck off, Emmett" I told him.

"I'm serious man. I know they were you're parents and I would expect you to act this way for the first couple of months but you really need to start thinking about your future. Acting this way isn't good for your health"

I just rolled my eyes at him.

"It's true. Most people that act this way for years either end up in prison, rehab, mental facilities or dead because they find stupid ways to deal with the pain" Emmett said, seriously.

Emmett rarely spoke in a serious manner. It just didn't suit him. I rolled my eyes at his concern.

"Don't worry, Emmett. I haven't tried drugs, I don't cut myself and I clearly haven't killed myself" I told him.

"Have you thought about doing any of those things though?" Emmett asked.

"No" I replied quickly.

Perhaps I shouldn't have said it _that_ quickly because now he is looking suspicious.

"Just go away, Emmett. I'm fine, really" I assured.

I knew that he was just looking out for his girlfriend's little brother. If anything happened to me, she would be upset and he wouldn't want that. It's like me with Alice. I want to do my best to prevent upsetting her. I guess that's why I haven't actually tried anything. I enjoy seeing her bright smile and it would be a shame if I took that away from her.

"Okay, whatever. But you could at least act happy during the party" he advised.

Emmett then got up and left my room; leaving me on my own again. I wasn't looking forward to this party. There were going to be girls; a lot of them and there will also be guys who will be using our rooms to 'do stuff' with the girls they flirted with. I swear, if anybody even thinks about using my room to do their dirty stuff in, I will go crazy.

I don't usually express anger but if I feel it in me, I will not hesitate to beat up anybody who will try to use the place I feel most comfortable in. I will just have to put a lock on my door or put up huge 'keep out' signs and hope that they would listen.

If Alice would be there though, I am sure that it would be okay. She doesn't know about my fear of being near any female but she does know that I wouldn't be hitting on one. Knowing about how I am not 'out of the closet' she will also know not to introduce me to guys either so hopefully she will just stick around with me….until James arrives. I don't know what I would do then.

Hell, it's my fault why Alice was dating James anyway.

_**Jasper- 4 months ago**_

"_Alice, what's wrong?" I asked my best friend, concerned._

"_Huh? Nothing" she lied._

_We were sitting on Alice's bed, trying to get our homework done together. We always did it together but she was unusually quiet. She usually wouldn't shut up but I didn't mind it. She had an amazing voice._

"_You're not very talkative tonight" I stated._

"_Nothing's wrong; I'm just thinking" Alice told me._

"_About?" I encouraged. She remained quiet so I continued. "Come on Alice, we tell each other everything, remember?"_

_I felt rather hypocritical saying that. I was probably hiding much more than she was but I was curious. She sighed at me and then begun to speak. _

"_You remember earlier when I told you about that guy who asked me out on a date?" I nodded at her._

_I didn't like him a single bit but he made Alice feel really happy so as her best friend, I had to be okay with it. And be there for her when something bad happens between them. I say 'when' because I know that nothing good is going to come out of this._

"_Well, what if he kisses me? I...I've never kissed a guy before" she admitted._

"_Alice, it's a first date so I'm sure it won't be nothing more than a peck on the lips. You know; the sort of kiss people give their parents before they go to sleep at night" I told her._

_My parent's….How I missed them so much. I tried to hide the frown that appeared on my face. _

"_But what if he wants more than a simple kiss?" Alice asked._

"_Tell him to back off and if he doesn't, he'll end up with a broken nose, a black eye and a busted lip whereas I would be left with a messed up hand" I threatened._

_And it wasn't a joke. I wasn't the kind of guy that goes around beating up other people but nobody hurts Alice!_

"_Seriously Jazz, I really wouldn't mind kissing him but...I don't know how and if I mess up, he won't want me" she worried._

"_Alice, listen to me, if he ditches you because the kiss wasn't perfect, then he is just fucked up. You're a pretty girl, Alice, I'm just surprised that he's the only one that asked you out" I told her._

_She smiled appreciatively at me. It was no lie, I thought she was absolutely beautiful. I sometimes saw the occasional guy check her out but nobody had actually asked her out. James was the first. There were times when I wondered if I never crossed paths with Maria, that maybe, I would have been the one to date Alice. Was that weird? I tried to clear my mind of the thought. She was my best friend and only my best friend. _

"_This really is getting to you isn't it?" I muttered as I realized she had just gone back to her homework. _

_She didn't reply so I took that as a yes. I sighed nervously as a thought suddenly occurred in my head. I had an idea but I was unsure if Alice would be weirded out by it._

"_You know, if you want you can um...You could...practice on me"_

_She stopped writing and looked at me and I smiled sheepishly, unsure of what was going on in her mind._

"_You would do that for me?" She asked._

_Okay, so she didn't hate me for suggesting it._

"_You're my best friend Alice. I would give my life up just to save yours if it ever came to that" I answered._

"_That means a lot to me Jazz, thank you" she said, pulling me into a hug._

_I returned it without any hesitation. Although when I pulled away, I suddenly felt really nervous. There had only been one other time a had a girls lips pressed to mine and that was Maria's while her two friends were preparing to set the house on fire._

"_So...do you want to start now?" I asked, anxiously._

_She nodded._

"_Okay, um...we'll just do what feels right. Sometimes a first kiss is a good one anyway so you might not even need to practice" I explained._

_After saying that, I leaned over and pressed my lips onto hers. Saying that it felt amazing was an understatement as I turned one kiss into a few more. I tilted my head slightly so that it was easier for us to mold our lips together. We were going for a few minutes but then I realized that Alice didn't really need the practice; she was perfect and it was wrong that I just want to feel her lips against mine so I pulled away._

"_Did I do anything wrong?" She asked._

_I was speechless; I struggled to find my voice although I wanted to tell her, comfort her. She did nothing wrong. I shook my head with a sheepish smile as I manage to speak._

"_Alice, that was...that was really good. You seriously haven't kissed anybody before?" I questioned._

"_Well I have now" Alice stated, smiling at me._

_Oh god, don't blush, do not blush. My cheeks heated up and I looked down to hide my face._

"_Thank you, Jazz. You're a real great friend"_

_No I wasn't_

**Present**

It was a few days later when the night I hadn't been looking forward to came up. I spent the majority of the first 90 minutes sat in the corner watching people make a fool of themselves. Drinking, dancing, sucking face, making a mess. Alice sat with me for some time, keeping me company but as expected, when James showed up she ran to his side.

I felt anxious in my own fucking home. I wish I had invited Peter like Rosalie suggested. At least that way, I would have had someone to talk to but instead I was bored shitless. Speaking of the devil, Rosalie came to sit by my side.

"If you're just gonna sit here all night, the least you can do is make sure that nobody has sneaked off into our rooms. My room is for Emmett and I to have sex only" she stated, proudly

I grimaced; it's not the kind of thing somebody wants to hear from their sister. I rolled my eyes at her and moved up stairs, dodging to teens making out on the staircase. I checked my room; thankful to find it empty. I then moved down to Rosalie's room and opened the door.

I suddenly regretted not knocking and I felt the blood rush to my cheeks in embarrassment. I had walked in on Alice seemingly getting changed. Her shirt was off but her bra was still on. James would probably kill me if she that was off too.

"Oh fuck, I'm…I'm so sorry" I rushed before shutting the door quickly.

I tried to breathe calmly, feeling rather ashamed at the sudden tightness I could feel in my jeans. I couldn't help it though. Her skin had looked so smooth and beautiful; I just wanted to run my hand down her bare back. I was brought out of my thoughts when Alice opened the door on, with a shirt on this time.

"It's my fault, Jazz. Don't be embarrassed. Eric bumped into me with a drink in his hand and it went all over my shirt but your sister came to the rescue and told me that I can burrow one of her shirts" Alice explained.

My sister is officially a bitch. She had this planned! Emmett and Rosalie had constantly been on at me to man up and ask out Alice but they didn't stop when Alice begun dating James. Rosalie hated him almost as much as I did and she also noticed his 'fuck them and leave them' behavior. That was why Rosalie had sent me here; so that I would walk in on Alice getting changed. What a bitch! And now I have to pray that Alice doesn't look anywhere below my waste. I'm already embarrassed enough and I'd rather not have my best friend know that I got a fucking boner by walking in on her.

"I'm still sorry. I should have knocked" I told her.

"Relax, Jazz. You saw nothing more than you would have if I was wearing a bikini. Are you gonna go back down stairs?" She asked as she began to turn around.

The image of Alice in a bikini wasn't helping. Now I'm speaking of it, I have never seen her in one. I tend to avoid beaches and pools because people always expect me to remove my shirt which was something that I was not willing to do.

"No, you go on ahead. I…I have something to do" I stuttered.

Yep, to get rid of the unwanted fucker down south. Alice nodded and walked off. I thought that gave me a chance to sort out my little problem but as soon as Alice disappeared, Peter showed up in front of me.

"Peter, what are you doing here?" I asked, nervously.

"Your sister told me that I should come over. I didn't realize she was throwing a party" he stated.

Again, with the whole Rose controlling my life thing? She was really starting to piss me off. But then again, I was kind of glad that Peter was here now. I smiled at him as he moved closer to embrace me.

"Not here" I murmured.

There were about 25 people in this house and the chances of somebody seeing us together like this in the hallway was very likely. Peter rolled his eyes and opened the door behind me and pushed me into Rosalie's room.

"This is my sister's room" I told him.

"So?" He questioned as he pushed his lips to mine.

I was about to protest when I felt him cup my balls.

"Got something for me?" He whispered referring to my raging hard on.

I smiled against his mouth before returning the kisses, doing it more fiercely. While doing so, he unbuckled my belt and slid his hand down my pants so that he had access to what I needed help with. I moved down to sit on the bed and Peter sat by my side as our lips didn't separated. His hand was stroking my member and he fastened his pace when my hand slid down to his own erection.

His tongue was battling mine as we moaned in each other's mouths at the amazing sensation we were feeling. In fact, Peter was making me feel so good that I completely forgot about my surroundings. We were in Rosalie's room therefore if she had a reason to go into her room in the middle of a party, there would be no need for her to knock. It _is _her room after all. And unfortunately, my life is still a bitch and Rosalie did in fact walk into her room at the wrong moment.

"Oh my god" she gasped as she stood there in shock.

I suddenly withdrew my hand from underneath Peter's jeans and pulled back. I wasn't sure if she was mad because she caught me making out with a guy with obvious erections or the fact that we were doing it in her room.

"Get out" She demanded calmly.

Calm wouldn't be her usual attitude but it wasn't exactly a good thing; she was containing her anger. Without any hesitation, I ran past her and out of the house; fearing about what she now thought of me. I think it was pretty easy to say that I have now lost her and it is only a matter of time before I lose Alice, too.

* * *

><p>I slept outside that night; somewhere in an alley way and this time, I didn't have to worry about constantly getting missed calls from either Alice or Rosalie since I didn't bring my phone with me. I don't think she would care anyway; not anymore. She probably hates my guts.<p>

I was still sitting in that same ally way and had been for a few hours. I felt like I had nowhere to go. I was hungry and thirsty but I didn't care. The sound of James' voice caught my attention. At first, it made me want to hide but then I heard Alice's name mentioned. For that reason, I moved into an area where I had James and 3 of his friends in sight. I could hear their voices more clearly now.

"I'm telling you guys, she is a great fuck" James bragged.

Wait, what? I swear to god if he was referring to Alice….

"She was? I thought you said she was a virgin" one of the friends questioned.

"Perhaps she had practice with the blond freak" another friend smirked.

So they were talking about me now. I began to breathe rather heavily. I couldn't believe it. She _did _have sex with him. She let that bastard take away something that was very special and know James was bragging about it to his friends.

"Nah, that sad fuck ain't gonna get laid by anybody. Anyway, Alice was probably a good fuck because I knew that no other cock had been in her pussy before"

The way he spoke about Alice absolutely pissed me of. Nobody should speak that way about Alice.

"Next time, I'll fuck her so hard she'll bleed"

And that did it. I ran out of my hiding place and towards that arrogant, disgusting being. Throwing a punch to his nose the moment I was close enough. It knocked him back and his hand rushed to his bleeding nose as his friends just stood there in shock.

"Don't just fucking stand there!" He yelled at him.

With that, his three friends moved and restrained me but I knew better than to struggle against them. They were three muscular guys and I was just a scrawny young teenager. I didn't stand a chance and I knew what was coming to me. James turned around and smirked at me.

"Aw, what's the matter little dude? Did hearing about me fucking your crush anger you? Huh? Get it in to your thick head that she isn't. Interested. In. you" He stated, smugly.

With that, a fist made contact with my abdomen and I groaned in pain. If it wasn't for his friends holding me up, I would have collapsed to the ground.

"You're treating her like an object" I spat back but failed to hide the pain in my voice.

He chuckled at me before throwing another punch to my gut.

"I'll tell her" I gasped.

That earned me a punch to my left cheek and then his friends threw me to the ground. James nodded at them and then all of a sudden, they all began to kick me. My stomach, my back, my legs, my head and then in the place a guy does not like to be kicked.

"He won't be using that again" somebody chuckled.

I felt too weak to move and I felt ashamed of myself for letting tears fall down my cheek. James pushed my body so that I was leaning on my back and then he crouched down so that he could look into my eyes.

"And what makes you think that she'll believe you? She hates you because you hate me. It's obvious that you'll just try to break as up" he stated.

I hated him! I hated him because I knew that he was right.

"And do you wanna know what's also funny? If you tell Alice that I did this to you, she'll think that you're making it up and she will no longer want to hang out with a loser like you" he whispered darkly.

I wanted to spit in his face but once again, I couldn't because of my pathetic weakness. I felt like I was getting ready to pass out. I had something caught up in my chest so I tried to cough, only to find myself spitting out blood. The guys laughed and then continued with their kicks. I used those kicks so that it could help me move so that I was lying in fetal position. They kept up with their strong kicks for about 3 long minutes but then all of a sudden, they stopped and legged it.

I was unsure why they had run away but I was too weak to turn my head to look behind me. I heard footsteps running forward and I wasn't sure whether I should be scared or not. I flinched when a gentle hand touched my shoulder and turned me around so that they could see my face.

"Jasper?"

I recognized the soft, worried and concerned tone in the male's voice and would recognize it anywhere. Isn't it ironic how I was found by a doctor?

"Stay with me, Jasper. Do _not _close your eyes" Dr Cullen told me as I felt him lift my body up.

I didn't listen to him. I accepted the darkness.

* * *

><p>My eyes shot open but I closed them again when I realized that I was in a really bright room; the light was hurting my eyes. Somebody squeezed my hand and I wondered who it was but I didn't have to think too hard since they started to speak.<p>

"Open your eyes again, Jasper" my sister commanded.

I obeyed her immediately and opened them but squinted them so that they would adjust to the light.

"Rosalie" I gasped weakly.

She put a gentle hand through my hair and smiled sadly at me.

"It's getting a bit of a habit, finding you in a hospital" she commented quietly.

I smiled although it hurt my lips to do so.

"You're not mad at me?" I questioned with a small voice.

"Why would I be mad at you?" She asked me.

I turned my head away from her nervously and didn't say another word. Rosalie must have figure what I was talking about as she begun to speak again.

"I was mad because you should have been doing that in your own room. Jazz, I don't care if you're gay. I just don't understand why you never told me" she explained.

I locked my eyes with hers to read them, to see that she was being truthful. I gave her another small, yet painful smile to show her that I appreciated her words.

"It all makes sense now" she murmured. "That's why you and Alice never became a thing".

I wanted to roll my eyes at her. It _didn't _make sense like she thought it did. She didn't know the whole story but I didn't want her to know it either. I would rather her think me as her gay brother rather than a brother who fears every women but his sister and his best friend.

"You set me and Alice up yesterday" I stated.

A smirk appeared on her face and I couldn't help but chuckle either.

"I'm sorry. I fucking hate James. Alice can do better…..so much better. Who did this to you, anyway?" She asked.

I looked away from her quickly, not wanting to tell her or anybody for that matter. It's not the first time I avoided telling people about those who hurt me. Maria managed to get away with it. I'm just glad she moved house by the time I was out of the hospital. I haven't seen her since then.

"It was him, wasn't it?" Rosalie questioned stubbornly.

I guess the fact that I just closed my eyes with a tear running down my cheek answered her question. In a flash, she darted out of my hospital room, leaving me alone.

* * *

><p>A whole day was wasted in hospital and once again, Alice's father was my doctor. He had told me that Alice was worried about me and that she wanted to see me.<p>

But I couldn't.

And he respected that.

So Rosalie was my only visitor but I knew I would be stuck with Alice's questions. In fact; she was there the moment I stepped out of the car that Rosalie drove me home in.

"Can I talk to you?" She asked.

I hated the idea but I knew I would have to eventually so I decided to get it over and done with. We walked of so that nobody could hear us and once we knew that we were alone, we stopped.

"You didn't want me to see you when you were in the hospital" Alice started. "Why?"

I shrugged because I didn't know what to say to her. I was mad about what she let James do to her and I was mad because I knew she wouldn't believe what he did to me.

"Are you okay?" Alice asked.

She gave me a pleading look. Fine. If she wanted answers, then she'll get them.

"You let him have sex with you" I stated, angrily.

Alice froze, trying to figure out how I knew but she brushed it off quickly.

"Jasper, I told you that whatever goes on between me and James is none of your business. I don't know how you found out but you should stay out of it" she told me.

I scoffed at her. "Stay out of it? What will it take for you to realize what an asshole he is? He doesn't want you, he wants your body"

"So what? I'm old enough to do this. Maybe, one day, you'll grow up, have whatever sex you do with guys and understand how good it feels" she argued.

"Maybe one day, I'll grow up, huh?" I repeated.

"Yes, Jasper. Grow up. I understand that you lost your parents two years ago but you can't just go on feeling sorry for yourself. Live your life and stop trying to ruin mine" she yelled.

"I'm not trying to ruin your life, I'm trying to stop you from doing so yourself" I argued back.

"James is a great guy. And are you seriously telling me you didn't want to talk to me because I had sex with James? He's my boyfriend!" she defended.

"No, I didn't want to talk to you because of how blind you are to all of this. Please, Alice. I'm begging you to break up with him" I pleaded.

"I don't even know who you are anymore. Look, if this is how you're gonna be for as long as I'm with James then I suggest that we forget that we were ever friends because I cannot deal with this" she harshly stated as she walked past me.

"Alice" I whispered.

She sighed and looked at me once more.

"What?" She snapped.

I opened my mouth to say something but I struggled to speak. I was trying to fight the tears trying to fall. She didn't want to be my friend anymore. When Alice received no answer, she just rolled her eyes and carried on walking. My hands begun to shake violently. I didn't want her to leave. She was my rock. She was my only reason to live. I was there to protect her and now she wouldn't even let me do that.

"Alice, please don't go! I need you!" I yelled.

I collapsed onto to the ground and put both of my hands in my head. Alice was crouched by my side and looked at me in concern.

"Jasper, what is going on?" She asked in a whisper.

I was breaking down in front of her; I wanted to hide it for so long but I was struggling. I couldn't take it anymore but at the same time, I needed to. I was a danger to Alice. She put a caring hand on my shoulder but I shrugged it off and stood up.

"No, no, no. I have to…..I have to go. You should s…stay away from me. You were ri…right. I'm a terrible person" I stuttered as I begun to run.

My legs were shaking so hard that it made me stumble and Alice had caught up.

"You're stuttering. Jazz, you haven't done that since….since you're parents died" she informed.

My hands returned to my head, my nails clawed at my face.

"Stop, Jasper. Please. I want you to tell me what's going on. You've changed so much. I care about you"

The anger built up inside me once more.

"No you don't! If you cared about me, you wouldn't be dating that prick! I know what happened between you and James because he was bragging about it to all his friends and spoke about you like you were trash! _I _was the one who cared Alice and all I got in return was constantly being yelled at. Do you wanna know how I got put in the hospital? Take one guess? I'll give you a clue. I was standing up for you when I overheard James talking about you to his friends and the next thing knew I was on the ground"

"Jazz, I…."

"I'm not finished, Alice! You told me that I had no idea what sex is about but as a matter of fact, I do. In fact; it was having sex that ended up getting my parents murdered. And do you wanna know something else? I kept quiet to keep you safe. She threatened to kill you if I said anything"

Alice stood there shocked. "She?"

I closed my eyes in shame. I have said too much and now she knows what a weakling I am. I opened my eyes to look at Alice when I managed to gather enough confidence and she seemed to be working it out in her head.

"You were 13" Alice stated. "Oh my god! Is this who I think it is?"

I furrowed my eyebrows. I only slipped a 'she'. That could be anyone.

"It makes sense. You really liked her but she was too old for you and then all of a sudden, your house gets burnt to the ground and she leaves the town. I can't believe I didn't see it before" Alice mumbled to herself and then she started to speak louder, directly to me. "I knew it. Rosalie and I told you to stay away from her. We said that she was bad news but you didn't listen. You didn't see it"

"And now the rolls are reverse" I noted.

She paused and thought for a second and then looked at me. "Did he really hurt you?" She asked.

It sounded like she already knew it was true but didn't want to believe it. I nodded my head at her and she frowned. I accepted the hug that she was embracing me in, needing the comfort and her head rested on my neck.

"Okay, I'll tell you what, I will break up with him on one condition…..you go to the police and tell them about what Maria did to you" she negotiated.

I tensed, feeling uncomfortable at the thought of turning her in.

"Jazz, she murdered two people; your parents and she put you in the hospital so I guess that was attempted murder and not only that but she molested you"

I forcefully shook my head. "No! No, she didn't. I…I wanted her to do that. I let her"

Alice gave me a sympathetic look. "You were 13, Jazz. She was 16. She was old enough but you weren't. Even if you were okay with it, you were still too young to understand" Alice comforted.

I held her tighter in the hug, afraid that she would let go. It was this kind of comfort that gave me the strength that I needed.

"Alright. I'll do it" I whispered.

Despite my tight grip, she pulled back and looked at me.

"Thank you"

* * *

><p>The following day, I went straight to the cops and told them about Maria whereas Alice was making herself officially single again. That means I wouldn't need to worry about her and boys for a while. Opening up to Alice and then being interviewed by the cops suddenly made me realize that there was no need to keep up the whole being gay thing which was why my next stop was around Peter's. We weren't ever a couple; we were just 'experimenting' with each other but I still needed to do some sort of breaking up thing.<p>

I didn't tell him everything, just enough for him to understand why I would convince myself to be gay. He took it rather well and I was relieved when he told me that he was developing feelings for somebody else anyway and as it turns out, that somebody is a 'she' but it makes sense, Peter's a bi.

* * *

><p>For once, Alice was the one in <em>my <em>room. She was sitting on my bed crossed legged and I was sitting opposite. It occurred to me that there was something she still didn't know.

"I'm not gay" I announced, unexpectedly.

She watched me and furrowed her eye brow as well as tilting her head in confusion. I decided to explain to her.

"Maria scared me, Alice. I was afraid of every female because of what she did" I admitted. "I mean, I trusted you but….you're my best friend"

"You thought that the only relationship you could have was one with a male" Alice finished, understandably.

I nodded at her. "Oh, Jazz" she muttered as she leaned over for a cuddle.

I enjoyed having her so close to me although I still felt like I was missing something. Alice ran her fingers up and down my spine and gazed at me and when I my eyes met her, I felt like this was my chance to say it. I had nothing to lose and I had already told her everything else.

"Alice, there's something else that you should know" I whispered.

"What is it?" She asked, curiously.

I had no control over my hand as it gently moved to cup her cheek. I thought that she would freak out and push me away but instead, she leaned into the touch. That only encouraged me to lean forward and slowly press my lips against hers lightly and pull back without giving her a chance to either reject me or kiss back. I guess you could say that I was afraid of the answer but confident to say it out loud.

"That I have been attracted to you for quite some time" I admitted.

A small smile appeared on her mouth. "How comes you didn't tell me?"

"Because we were best friends. I thought that you would think it was weird. Besides, you were into James" I explained.

"You're such an idiot" she chuckled

"What do you mean?" I questioned, unsure of what she was talking about.

"Jasper Whitlock, I have liked you from the moment a kissed you when we met in pre-school. When I turned 14, I was thinking about telling you but then you came to me one day telling me you like Maria. I hated her but I didn't want you to be unhappy. And then the fire happened and you came out to me, claiming you were gay so I thought that I would never have a chance with you. That time you taught me how to kiss; that was the best day of my life, Jazz" she explained.

I couldn't believe it. Alice liked me. Alice Cullen liked me! A big goofy smile appeared on my face and it made Alice chuckle. I didn't even see it coming when she moved forward and kissed me. I kissed back without any hesitation and put a hand on her back to pull her close. Both of her hands were holding the back of my head, playing with my blond locks.

Alice started to use her tongue but I didn't mind a single bit. She was beautiful and she was finally mine….well not officially. That thought made me pull back.

"Are….are we like a …a couple now?" I questioned nervously.

Alice grinned at me. "Of course we are. In fact, let's go tell your sister. I know she's been trying to get us together for a long time" Alice said as she grabbed my hand and walked out of my room.

Okay, _now _she was mine and I would _NOT _treat her the way James did. And it was great to see Alice back to her joyful self. Now I had to face my sister. Oh well, Alice's hand had the power to comfort me.

* * *

><p><strong>I'm done although I haven't actually been very happy with my style of writing in this chapter. Tell me what you think?<strong>

**Review!**


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